Saturday, 28 July 2018
Wednesday, 25 July 2018
Hi all to whoever still looks at these posts or bothers to read anymore!
I know my blog is no way as interesting and intense as it used to be!
So I don’t know if I mentioned in my blog before my mum has been working at Harefield (my transplant hospital) at front reception!
Well she has loved it there and met some wonderful people and seen the other side to the amazing hospital that saved my life numerous times back in 2015!
But it hasn’t all been plane sailing and due to some troll and I know this is not nice of me to call someone that but that’s how I view this person is a troll she has been a big part in my mums decision to leave!
I’m not going to go into detail about this woman not give her the time of day but she’s an awful jealous human being and if I see her when I go up there and come face to face to her I don’t know if I’ll be able to bite my tongue! I’m protective of my mum and my family and anyone who does them wrong in my eyes or says nasty things about them has no respect from me and can’t bite my tongue on my feelings!
I’m not an aggressive person AT ALL! But sometimes things need to be said
Anyway! Mum is at a point in her life where she doesn’t need the agg of some childish bullying behaviour so has quietly chosen to find a new job who obviously wanted her and will be starting soon!
Last night was her last shift and I decided to surprise her and spend it with her! It was very quiet and very hot and we talked and laughed and cried lots!
We started reading over my blog posts from this time 3 years ago when everything was going wrong and we didn’t know what was going to be the outcome, my mum took over my blogging whilst I was in icu and parts of Rowan Ward as I was simple not stable to write or Sedated so I couldn’t.
Reading back we both laughed and cried, I forgot so much of the emotions and that fighting spirit I had, even in the toughest time of my life I was so positive and strong and knew I would get through it! I admire that girl because I feel I have lost her a bit and by reading that it made me so upset that I crave her back!
So as we sat there crying, laughing and reading together it brought back that bond we have and we will never loose, my mum and lee are my rocks and always will be! There stuck together as a team when I needed them the most and I am forever grateful for them for that!
So we ordered food to reception, I visited my lovely friend Simon who has been on rowan ward at the moment and brought him food to fatten him up too!
And we had fans in all directions as the reception was a hot box! And that was our lovely night together and no matter what happens in the future at Harefield it is one of those nights that will be cherished as a good memory of Harefield with mum and I together.
So to me!
I finally got a job! I mean it had to happen eventually someone had to have me and put up with me!
I had an interview two weeks ago when I got back from my lovely holiday in duquesa which I will share some pics with you at the end!
I had two interviews that Friday and I was offered the job I have gone for on the spot.
So this is a job I never thought I would or could imagine myself doing but I walked in, spoke to the manager met the residents and fell in love!
So I will be a care assistant In a care home which specialises in dementia residents, I don’t want to say patients because the home is a lovely home and nothing like a hospital or ward or anything like that which you would normally expect from a nursing home!
The great thing about it is it’s literally a 2-5 mins walk from my house and I just love the vibe there.
The residents can have their rooms painted however they like, whatever they want (within reason) they can have to make them feel better and more at ease! And I want to learn more about dementia!
So that is very exciting, just have to wait for a DBS check to come through as I done that last week and could take up to 3 months to come back but hopefully not that long!
I loose my car this month and thankfully my father in law has wonderfully given me a car as a present so I am not going without! Very lucky to have special family like I do! So good bye Motability car the scheme has been great and so helpful! Still wish I could get it but that’s the way the government is now! I knew this day would come!
So I had a wonderful holiday in duquesa for my birthday! It was so chilled and relaxed and spent it with my mum, auntie and uncle and lee tried to get out for the weekend but it just didn’t happen with work and flights etc.
Also this weekend just gone I went to the Farnborough air show which was great fun! Bit disappointed with the red arrows as no display just a fly over but never mind! Then had a lovely meal in Chertsey that evening.
I’ve had some exciting stuff happen at the moment that I can’t share due to legal reasons but you’ll know if it all happens and if not then I can share with you all on here about a interesting and wonderful experience!
That’s all for now! I will leave you with some holiday photos and mega holiday blues moments I’m having because of them! Get me back to Spain!
Thursday, 21 June 2018
Wednesday, 20 June 2018
Tuesday, 19 June 2018
So cf in a nutshell...
Wednesday, 13 June 2018
Job hunting has been less successful! Got knocked down by not getting the last job at the gp but onwards and upwards and more applying tonight!
Tuesday, 5 June 2018
Friday, 11 May 2018
Also to add, after looking through some emails today I found out that I had been listed and I quote
I came 25th out of 75 which I don’t think was too bad going!
Tuesday, 27 March 2018
Tuesday, 27 February 2018
So having this surgery will help stop reflux and damage my new lungs but also loose weight, I have to be on a strict diet post op, first week or two is just clear fluids! So I’m bound to loose a bit of weight and no redbull or fizzy drinks so this could help with my addiction! I have to have it either way so will see what happens.
There not this bad but how I imagine them
Tuesday, 5 September 2017
Friday, 12 May 2017
But since my transplant a lot has changed, for me I understand it more! Leading up to my transplant I was fighting so hard to stay strong, alive and with it I refused all drugs that would "help" my mental state because I knew (thought) I could do it all on my own.
But Suddenly you have a transplant and all of that is taken away from you! Like you have gone! Being strong isn't about staying alive anymore, it's about fighting the constant battle in your head, for me this is a life I have never known of nor do I still sometimes accept! But I've been talking about it more recently and it's become to my attention that yes I do feel a slight depression. Weather it is drugs related as most of my drugs side affects are depression, anxiety and becoming a fatty! Ha
I've been on a drug called citalopram since a week post transplant due to panic attacks and anxiety through the roof! And my god did it help so I've been too afraid to come off, I have since upped my dose, and wonder if because of how low I have felt recently weather I need to talk to the Drs about upping it again although this is something I wouldn't want to jump too!
It is also known now the more people are talking about it the better I feel, I am not alone. Everyone is assumed to have a transplant and your life be amazing again! Unfortunately that's what we all like to portray because in a glimpse we do! We have great lungs when willing! Freedom from hospitals a little more than before, but they are so right, your swapping one Sent of problems for another and depression is a big part of this!
Yet we are made to feel guilty for talking about this now! And I feel we need more help, more support and the stigma to go for people to be content post transplant! There is a lot they don't prepare you for!
Separation from relying on so many people around you was one of my first problems, although I jumped at the chance of people independent at first, it hits you after!
Constantly feeling weak! Exhausted and fatigued! That doesn't go away! And feels a massive strain on you.
Rejection worries, they are constantly on your mind despite what people do or say! I have seen too many friends slip away so quickly from it!
And the guilt, two types, the one that you feel for your donor and their family, and then the one where your other friends or people you know who are waiting or don't get the chance! You shouldn't feel it but you do, and it can't be helped!
So as we end mental health awareness week I felt I wanted to share some hidden thoughts that do go through my mind and what I feel like I am constantly fighting against, some days I don't even want to get out of bed or wash, I feel like there is no point, but I've realised that it's ok to have day like this, as long as I fight back the next! Life is still and constant fight, just now with my feelings and emotions in my head!
Wednesday, 3 May 2017
I often think back to those years living life, well not living but surviving, that's the best way to put it, I was always one to make out or make myself think I was living my life as best I can and I did well most of the time, but what I was really doing was surviving!
Recently I've had a cough, you'll prob laugh reading this, but post transplant this scares me, it's not a touch on life before but it's been chesty and productive and it scares me, all my results are good, bloods, lung function and x ray. Yet I still have this on going annoying chesty cough!
I haven't had this since transplant, I barely cough these days only out of old habit, so it worries me, the first thing I think of is are they missing something, could it be rejection, and I try to tell myself to get a grip and stop being so dramatic but I can't help it, I feel like life is on precious time for me now, even more so than before which makes no sense! I think because these aren't my lungs I have no control over them as I use to with my deadly old ones!
My head is not rational at all at the moment, im constantly sleeping which doctors don't know why that is either, i feel so tired and fatigued all the time, yet thankfully everything is perfect results wise! But then why do I still feel something is not right!?
I try my best to not make a fuss unless it's something I know is a big deal but I'm stuck with this one, do I trust that the results are fine and listen to the Drs or do I continue to bag them and go with my gut instinct that there is something not 100%
I'm rambling on but that's tonight's thoughts oh also I've been diagnosed with osteoporosis and recently had an infusion to help with that! Just another thing to add to my list! :)
Tuesday, 18 April 2017
I also want to help others in my situation!
So 4 weeks ago I underwent breast augmentation!
Now automatically people will think, so shallow, wants to get her boobs out show off etc etc! And don't get me wrong I love them and love showing them off now!
But to get to this point I spent the last 15 months being so unhappy with my boobs!
Now I'm not one to blow my own trumpet but before my transplant I had great boobs! Perky! Great size for my little frame! In the right position! It was one of the things I was proud of!
But not so much post transplant. I'm not sure what happened! The most important thing was my life was saved of course, but they were left a completely different shape, size, position most importantly! And quite frankly once I recovered,I was devastated by it! I felt so unattractive, my little perky perfect boobs had turned in to old granny's boobs which had somehow had an argument with each other and majorly gone south!
Now there's lots of issues post transplant that I feel and find we cannot openly express or people feel they can't talk about them without being judged! I don't give two fucks, it's life these are real issues and yes they bother us woman! We have dodgy boobs and get fat after tx!
The only good thing body wise is I have a bum now but even that needs to be worked on or I get something called cellulite which I've managed to escape 25 years of my life until transplant.
People reading this must think what a brat, you have new lungs you can breathe be thankful, and my god! I wouldn't change any of this for my life before because yes I can breathe I'm alive and my life is incredible, but why be penalised for feeling like this! If I was a normal woman with issues no1 would think twice! But because I've had a transplant I shouldn't be able to complain and the comments are always "just be thankful your alive" but what be alive and feel miserable...NO!
so I'm proud to say yes I got my boobs done, and yeah I will show them off because I can breathe and I can feel or try feel sexy again!
And I want to help others. Just because you've had this second chance it's doesn't mean you shouldn't feel bad about complaining, also I found it so hard to find a surgeon willing to perform the op on me! But after a few consultations, I found a man! Well he found me after I put a plea out on a plastic surgeons forum! And I had it done at Spire Portsmouth Hospital!
Thanks to harefield both my consultants were so supportive and gave them all the information they needed and the hospital was great!
So if anyone feels the same and is having the same issue don't hesitate to contact me!
The only thing was I did have to pay! I could have tried to get it done on Nhs but you don't know what it will be like and it's not easy and I'd spent so long feeling like this I just wanted them done quickly!
So the surgery itself was easy! I mean I've had a transplant so a few silicone boobs whacked inside me is nothing! And it really was, I came down after the op smiling!
So the plan was, to have teardrop implants to make them look natural, have a size 415cc however, as it's me nothing goes to plan in surgery!
I was told the day after, during surgery where he would make pockets to fill the implants into, I already had pockets from my transplant, so he had to make a decision to give me round implants a slightly bigger size to fill the space, also because of that I couldn't have the teardrops as more likely to turn!! (Wouldn't be a good look!) I was happy they made me feel better and anything was better than before!
Anyways so I'm really happy now with them, just need to work on my weight and stop eating everything in sight and get back to the gym as since boob job I've been out but time to get my arse back into gear... literally!!
Here's so pre and post transplant pics! There still healing now but I think Ive gone from a 32C to a 32G
Monday, 13 February 2017
sarah and I at the NHSBt meeting for LLGL