Wednesday, 25 January 2012

on a bit of a downer....

feeling really unlike "myself" today. im normally a really happy bubbly positive person, but today i just feel low!
so much going through my head im just fed up! lol even writing this now i cant take myself seriously its so out of character!
i tried to act all big and brave today when my mum parked up in a carpark in gerrads cross to walk over to marks and spencers and i was saying i didnt need wheelchair or oxygen...well as soon as i opened the car door and jumped out i started having a coughing fit! so after laughing and half dying i decided to sit in the car whilst mum went into the shop! got to laugh at the situation, but secretly its moments like these that just get me down!! this time last year i didnt need oxygen my chest was bad but nothing compared too now!!

i dont think my head has quite caught up with the speed of which my lifes changed...i still think i can do all these things but when i attempt them i cant. i hate the fact i cant just leave my flat on my own anymore without my mum/someone, wheelchair and oxygen. pisses me right off!!
my freedom has gone!

another thing thats really getting to me is my living situation, no1 understands quite how hard it is to get from my front door down to the carpark, iv run out of energy even thinking about it, it gets me down so much! the council arent interested, so im stuck here until the right place comes up. it would just make this stage of my life alot easier to deal with and happier if things were different, i need a nice bungalow with a driveway, somewhere i can call a home! im so lucky to have what i do have but its just not suitable for my health needs now and soon i can just see myself staying in all the time its so stressful even at this stage now leaving the flat and my health is only going to get worse before it gets better!

im letting it all out tonight cor....

another thing iv noticed is, this doesnt really bother me as much to be fair but since my healths declined i really have found out who my close friends are now!
its such a struggle to arrange things and go out and its normally the evenings that everyone is free and its always the worse time of the day for me! so i love having my mates over, i mean i dont live at home so if anything im in a better situation than my friends but yet most of them never bother to come over anymore...only if its major event i even see them and yet there always meeting up with each other...
the friends that do bother are great though i cant fault them and they really are there for me no matter what!!

and last just to had to my downer mood..this is just a bit of a childish want what i cant have moment...but I REALLY WANT A DOG! lol
it would complete my life...but yet again my living circumstances mean i cant get a dog...cant have dogs in flats and even if i was to sneak it in without telling my landlord realistically its not fair on the dog because i wouldnt be able to take it out when it needs the toilet and i dont want it to learn to wee and poo indoors and it would prob fall off the gap in the balcony, and it would be pretty discusting having it poo and wee on the balcony.

rant over for now

my mum brought me a nice little thermometer today, just because iv been feeling a bit feverish the last few days, so thought its best to keep an eye on things, and i think im heading towards ivs which i defo need to go in for this time! but im going to hold out until after daisys birthday and Olly Murs concert at the o2 :)

to cheer myself up tonight i decided to decorate one of my eyelids in leopard print lol bordem!!
was pretty cool tho

heres a few piccys from the weekend with some of my family.

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