Sunday, 19 February 2012

The Return Of The Sickness!!!

Not having a good weekend.

I have no energy, feel like sleeping all the time and the worst thing of all my sickness has returned!!
i struggled alot in the past with my sickness, its one of the main things that really gets to me. its just so frustrating! for the last 3 nights now i havent managed to do a feed, the first two nights i didnt bother because my breathing was so tight and i was coughing so much i didnt see there was much point at pumping feed into my stomach for me to just throw it back up!

But my appetite has disapeared now too! ive hardly eaten and if i do get the urge to eat, im so far away from the kitchen i simply havent got the energy to walk there to heat food up!
Theres hardly any staff at the weekend, so cant get them to heat food up, and feel a bit like im taking the mick if i ask... iv been slightly put off by asking after i asked one nurse last week if they would heat up some food for me and there reply was "no i cant its not my job, il get in trouble" after questioning them about it and explaining that other nurses have done it, they must have felt guilty and in the end did heat up some food.....but now feel like i cant ask, i no thats absolutely ridicilous and silly but its how i feel!

So yesterday evening i decided to give a feed ago as i had a little read through my nurses comments and they dont explain how i feel, they just write down "feed not done" and i dont want them to think im not compliant as thats really not the case! and if the doctors read it without anyone explainging why i havent been doing my feeds they will just assume its because im lazy or dont want too!
So i got my feed set up last night, put my ng tube down and started it slowly at 8pm.

Everything was going ok. was whatching all the usually crap on Tv on saturday night. then it got to about 12 ish and my breathing started to go funny, it became really really tight and as much as i tried to calm myself i really couldn't breathe properly. my oxygen was on. i decided to stop the feed and detach myself. And do my bird machine really gentle to see if i could open my airways without having to cough my guts up or cough too hard...i knew if i coughed too much that there was a chance i would be sick and throw up my feed...really didnt want this.

So i took some gentle breaths on the bird on and off it, did this for about 5 mins and out of know where my lungs went made and i ended up doing what i feared and got into a complete coughing fit... i ran to the toilet and and just completely brought up my feed! was gutted also this was actually gross!! as you may no my ng tube is passed down my nose past my throat and down into my stomach, so when i threw up my ng tube came out of my mouth...so i had it in my nose and out my mouth its a horrible experiance and whilst being all dramtic and coughing i had to yank this tube out my nose as it was making me gag even more!

I was physically exhausted after all this! and could barely move, felt all dizzy and faint! stumbled back into my room, onto my chair and got my oxygen back on!
i felt sooo sicky, i was trying not to be sick anymore. i called my nurse, she took so long to come, and she eventually came and i asked for some anti sickness she literally came in, turned my buzzer off listen to what i said and walked out....
its like she was oblivious to the fact that i was strugglering. hay ho cant have it all.. there were other buzzers going off...she didnt take long to get my anti sickness by time she came back i got myself back into bed and told her i couldnt manage to do my feed again...and she seemed so shocked like why not... i didnt even care, i was knackered i just said to her i feel crap and just thrown everything up!...obviously lol

She left and i just went to sleep. but this is why i didnt do my feeds the other night as i dreaded this.

I havent eaten much today apart from nandos got myself some lovely halloumi cheese...managed about 3 of them and some chips.. appetite is rubbish and im so pissed off about it!

I really want to try and do a feed again tonight and dont want to give up, but really dont want to go through all that again, i feel sick as it is tonight.

Iv asked the nurse if i can see the on call doctor to see if i can have an extra anti sickness as a one off to help, just to get me through tonight and then i can see the cf team 2moz and speak to them.

Part of me thinks all this is happening because they have changed my i.vs from ceftazidime to meropenem and i might just be reacting to it! who nos either way im not enjoying this feeling at all and i just want to be full of energy and on the mend again.....feel like im taking a massive knock!
and weight is so important to be on the transplant list i really cant afford for all this to be happening to me! as i make a big deal about it i am a postive person but im feeling really down this weekend and fed up! really hope things get better in the week as i was looking forward to going home, but at this rate i wont be going anywhere! :( just want my own bed and lee cuddles.......

Thats all....just gna wait to see what they say. watch TOWIE and just go to sleep and start all the dramas of foulis ward 2moz.

love love

1426 hours on transplant list

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