Friday, 12 May 2017

Mental health 

So I've never been one to to talk about mental health, desperation or anything of that sort, before my transplant I didn't believe in depression as much, I thought it was more for people to overly use for having a bad day/week/month. 

But since my transplant a lot has changed, for me I understand it more! Leading up to my transplant I was fighting so hard to stay strong, alive and with it I refused all drugs that would "help" my mental state because I knew (thought) I could do it all on my own. 


But Suddenly you have a transplant and all of that is taken away from you! Like you have gone! Being strong isn't about staying alive anymore, it's about fighting the constant battle in your head, for me this is a life I have never known of nor do I still sometimes accept! But I've been talking about it more recently and it's become to my attention that yes I do feel a slight depression. Weather it is drugs related as most of my drugs side affects are depression, anxiety and becoming a fatty! Ha 


I've been on a drug called citalopram since a week post transplant due to panic attacks and anxiety through the roof! And my god did it help so I've been too afraid to come off, I have since upped my dose, and wonder if because of how low I have felt recently weather I need to talk to the Drs about upping it again although this is something I wouldn't want to jump too! 


It is also known now the more people are talking about it the better I feel, I am not alone. Everyone is assumed to have a transplant and your life be amazing again! Unfortunately that's what we all like to portray because in a glimpse we do! We have great lungs when willing! Freedom from hospitals a little more than before, but they are so right, your swapping one Sent of problems for another and depression is a big part of this! 

Yet we are made to feel guilty for talking about this now! And I feel we need more help, more support and the stigma to go for people to be content post transplant! There is a lot they don't prepare you for! 


Separation from relying on so many people around you was one of my first problems, although I jumped at the chance of people independent at first, it hits you after! 


Constantly feeling weak! Exhausted and fatigued! That doesn't go away! And feels a massive strain on you. 


Rejection worries, they are constantly on your mind despite what people do or say! I have seen too many friends slip away so quickly from it! 


And the guilt, two types, the one that you feel for your donor and their family, and then the one where your other friends or people you know who are waiting or don't get the chance! You shouldn't feel it but you do, and it can't be helped!


So as we end mental health awareness week I felt I wanted to share some hidden thoughts that do go through my mind and what I feel like I am constantly fighting against, some days I don't even want to get out of bed or wash, I feel like there is no point, but I've realised that it's ok to have day like this, as long as I fight back the next! Life is still and constant fight, just now with my feelings and emotions in my head! 


Wednesday, 3 May 2017

Thinking

As we all panic tonight as whatsapp is down, it's given me the time to give my head some thinking space, I use to always blog at night in bed when my lungs were so weak I couldn't rest to sleep so writing was my escape!

I often think back to those years living life, well not living but surviving, that's the best way to put it, I was always one to make out or make myself think I was living my life as best I can and I did well most of the time, but what I was really doing was surviving!

Recently I've had a cough, you'll prob laugh reading this, but post transplant this scares me, it's not a touch on life before but it's been chesty and productive and it scares me, all my results are good, bloods, lung function and x ray. Yet I still have this on going annoying chesty cough!

I haven't had this since transplant, I barely cough these days only out of old habit, so it worries me, the first thing I think of is are they missing something, could it be rejection, and I try to tell myself to get a grip and stop being so dramatic but I can't help it, I feel like life is on precious time for me now, even more so than before which makes no sense! I think because these aren't my lungs I have no control over them as I use to with my deadly old ones!

My head is not rational at all at the moment, im constantly sleeping which doctors don't know why that is either, i feel so tired and fatigued all the time, yet thankfully everything is perfect results wise! But then why do I still feel something is not right!?
I try my best to not make a fuss unless it's something I know is a big deal but I'm stuck with this one, do I trust that the results are fine and listen to the Drs or do I continue to bag them and go with my gut instinct that there is something not 100%

I'm rambling on but that's tonight's thoughts oh also I've been diagnosed with osteoporosis and recently had an infusion to help with that! Just another thing to add to my list! :)